There is a wonderful paper designer I love by the name of Emily Ley. One of her tag line phrases is "Grace Not Perfection". It's a print I have framed and that I gaze at for reassurance almost daily. For so many years I wanted to give our kids the "perfect" life. We were after all, a "perfect" 2.5 kid American Dream family. The stuff you sit back as an old lady and your kids tell their kids about. High school sweet hearts, married, happy, had the girl boy 2 kid family. Dave worked I "raised the kids". It was the stuff little 4 year old girls playing house dream of... I know I did. We weren't "perfect" no one or family is. We got mad, the kids would be crazy, things would get tough for a moment. But we always went to bed together, we refused to go to bed angry at each other... Ever. We were as perfectly imperfect as you could possibly imagine. Perfection is something that doesn't exist, at least not for us anymore. I still love the life I have, because I have the three most amazing little people to share it with. But it won't ever be that kind of perfect we had, not the way it was before; it's not possible without David. One my my best and dearest friends warned me emphatically how my mind would go to shit the second Kendall entered this world, and I'll tell you; I didn't believe her. I was the mom that packed zip lock bags of clothes for sleepovers labeled for each day and night, so the kids would wear the appropriate clothing with coordinated accessories, socks, and underwear. Now as long as it's relatively clean, free of holes, and isnt a bikini (Kamryn!!!); I'm happy we all make it out of the door on time. I was the mom helping our friends drop off, pick up, from school or activities because there was always room for one more kid. Dave was always down to hang out with Colton and his friends, and so great with helping it was a breeze. Now I'm the mom always worried about who's picking up which kid from what activity, and how I'm going to see Kam run and get to Colt's pictures and game when one is in this town and the other in another town, all at the exact same time. I have done something I swore I never ever ever would do, I let Colton have cereal for dinner last week. I understand that sounds like a ridiculous thing to care or worry about, heck it wasn't even totally crap cereal it was Cheerios. But I ALWAYS a had dinner, a real dinner every day Sunday-Thursday. Always with a protein, starch and a veggie. Always homemade. I used to be a terrible cook. But when your married to someone who loves to eat, and works as hard as Dave did, your compelled to at the very least provide them with a decent meal. The kids are good eaters still, and I still cook their favorite meals. The idea of making a big dinner just doesn't have the appeal it used to, and with all the driving I do to activities...I don't have the time!
Through all of this I have learned to live by and embrace the mantra of "Grace Not Perfection". Grace in the words I try to use when talking whichever child is annoying the day lights out of me, Grace in my actions: trying to show these little loves how to be strong, compassionate, understanding and gracious, to raise them just as we always have. All while really wanting to hop on a boat sail away to some island and never look back. And finding Grace in God, my religion or lack there of has always been a process. I have beliefs but I have never found a "home" for them. No specific church or religion has ever truly aligned with the way I feel or things I believe. But too much about Dave's accident seems to have been "designed". I have drove by, sat and starred at, walked the route drawn on the police report. Analyzed what I was told by police, responders, and my own research of his model truck in similar accidents. Becoming as much of an expert on side impact crashes, head LAC's, collapsed lungs, neck injuries, procedures, response times, and potential outcomes as I can with the help of Google and some medical journals. God chose us, Dave and I everything from the day we met until March 2, seems like a blue print. Every word, moment, choice carefully and meticulously laid out to lead me here. I'm just trying to decide if what has happened is a blessing that I haven't yet discovered, or a punishment; some Karmic Justice for not always being the most God fearing forgiving person I should be. Dave was perfection in our imperfect world, all I can do is hope I have enough Grace to show our babies the potential perfection they can find in this world.
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