A friend of Dave and mine recently posted a song to his Facebook page that I really enjoy (Whiz Khalifa: See You Again). This is a song I have heard a couple times the last few weeks, but after seeing the video and realizing it was connected to Paul Walker/Fast 7 (one of Dave's favorite movie series); I've been listening to it more. The idea of again seeing Dave, is one that has really given me a lot of peace and strength. I have felt like this time in between losing him and one day being reunited with him, is a sort of waiting period. It's the time I will spend raising our kids, and enjoying them; and eventually (in a VERY long time) the grandchildren they will give me. All the while, even with that in mind, I have had the mindset that this is now just some in between period in mine and Dave's relationship. Maybe that is because of the overwhelming feeling I have that he is here with us. Not only have I had many reasons/signs to believe that he is, it's just an omnipresent sense I get. That feeling when you are in a room with someone else, the presence the body of another person being in a room gives off; I feel that from him all of the time. Sometimes that feeling is too much to bear. It seems like he is so close I can almost touch him, if I were to turn around he would be right behind me... obviously though; that is not the case. That feeling is pretty well confined, for me at least; to our home. I haven't "felt" him anywhere other then in our house. When I am here it's that constant feeling his body would give off, knowing there is another person in the room; an identifiable cut through the stagnant air. For the most part, I find it comforting knowing he is with us. It makes me feel protected and as if he is not that far; like he isn't missing out quite as much as I feared.
Yet after listening to that song a bunch more times a sinking thought landed on me... will I ever see him again? I have been looking at the life I have left as an in-between period, until I am again reconnected with Dave. But who is to say that such a time will happen? Or that there is a place somewhere out there for this reunion to occur? I suppose not being of a particularly strong religious belief leaves me asking this question, or if nothing else, feeling able to ask this question. I worry that maybe March 2, 2015 at 6:40 am was the absolute end of my chances to ever see him, or be with him again. Maybe for many this isn't even a thought they want to take in, because that sense of an finality is more then they can bear? Perhaps that is the reason so many hold their religious beliefs so tightly. It allows them peace where those like myself only find more questions? Although a part of me wishes I wasn't the type of person to ask these questions, it also gives me a greater value in the time I did get with him. I hold every word, every memory that much tighter; because really who is to say that there will be a chance for more? Ideally one day in many many many years, I would see him again in someplace, someway. We would pick up our life together exactly as we left it here; but that seems so unrealistic. If we were meant to come back together as we left each other here, then why was he taken from me at all to begin with? I don't want to believe this is the ending of my time with Dave. As I said I know he isn't totally gone from our lives. His presence is so strong within the walls of our home; sometimes I swear I feel his eyes staring at me. Yet I still hold out some odd hope that one day I will feel his kiss again, or get to run my fingers through his scruffy beard. I am fully aware that hope is simply a tool my mind uses to comfort me and keep me going. I hang onto it just enough to make each day one I can manage through, but never indulge it so deeply that I forget the reality I actually face each day. Every day is a balancing act of remembering and creating new memories. Holding on just enough to feel connected; but not so much you can't handle facing the day. Will I ever "see" Dave again as I knew him? I really don't believe there is a place exactly like this in the heavens where he is there, just waiting for me; in the same shape and design he was here on earth with us. I do believe, or at least hope, that there is a place where our spirits/souls whatever you call them can and will again one day reunite and know each other. I think when that time comes in whatever form it takes, it will be perfect; exactly what I have needed all along.
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