Seasons Of Love

Transitions are hard. Accepting the need to move into a new season of life is hard. Especially when your movement to a new phase, can impact the feelings of others; deeply. Outside opinions of what I do, in almost all cases, are of very minimal consequence to me.  Alternately, I do let  the feelings of those close to me weigh heavily on my actions. The wants and needs of people I care about, almost always come before mine. Recently, I had a conversation with a close friend whom I met through this (for the most part ignored) blog, way back right after Dave’s accident, that has propelled me to open up to a new a season of life I’ve been holding out on. 

Somehow years ago, a random google search led her to finding what I had shared. A few years older than myself, but with two kids less, she was about a year ahead in her journey on a path eerily similar to my own. Through this friendship we have helped each other move past a variety of mental hurdles. Our outlooks and the processes by which our brains handle this life, are wildly different. Last winter she got married again, and by summer was expecting their first child together; her second and his third. She was so anxious to tell her former in laws as she is still very close to them; along with her own family. I was giving her my take and opinions about how she may handle the conversation. Commentary that resulted in her sarcastic retort of “on the path your going you’ll have grandchildren before you ever seriously date again.” -Cue eye-roll so large I was certain they were sticking in the back of her head. “This isn’t about me, your already married again, if you can navigate that, a baby isn’t a big deal. Babies are awesome, everyone loves them.” I understood her hesitation for the shift in dynamic. Teaching a new child about a man, who means a tremendous amount to her still, and to the son they had. A man this child won’t ever meet, and really has no connection to, but will surely have a relationship with family members of; during their life... it’s a lot. A web of feelings that make me cringe. I hate dealing with most other people’s emotions. It actually makes my skin crawl. I avoid life situations and conversations at almost any cost, just to skip out on having to handle others emotional needs. I’m extremely considerate of them, I just don’t want to encounter them. 

“But seriously Sam, just go on an actual real date, one that you know isn’t only because your bored.”

Why? “Why not...” ughhhhh, and so my excuse train chugged on. Firstly, time. Which I have little of to spare. Secondly, the kids. My level of protection of their feelings is rivaled by none. Lastly, having to deal with how anyone else feels. I don’t want to. I don’t want to deal with their “stuff” too. It’s selfish, I get it. But sometimes we have to be selfish. Plus explaining myself to people. Having to answer their questions or curiosities. Nope. Pass. No thank you. 

“So your just going to be alone forever because you don’t want to have to tell anyone if you ever have a boyfriend?” Basically.  End of discussion. “Well, your an idiot...” COOL. Thanks! “You feel guilty don’t you? This isn’t about them, this is about Dave; and you know it.” - Cue my eye roll. “Maybe. I don’t know. But does it really matter?” She was right. Hands down without a doubt totally hit the nail on the head. All the other things are TRUE, and play a huge roll in why I have made virtually zero effort in that area of my life. But the guilt, the complications of how I feel about it; so much to navigate. 

I will forever love Dave. He will always be my husband. Yet, this friends next statement was like a lightening bolt through my heart... “You know, you call him the kids dad now.” Just. Like. That. Those words. “You will always love him, but you haven’t been with him in almost 4 years Sam, that’s a lifetime for emotional change and growth. Think about how different your marriage was in 2011 to 2015.” It’s a statement true of all people and relationships. Growth and change happens in time, we can’t stop that no matter our situation. We grew together over those years, but we grew none the less. “It’s not that you don’t say he was your husband, but I’ve seen you introduce yourself to people and explain your journey. When I first met you, it always started with your husband Dave, and so on. When I added (person) to the group (a private group of people on Facebook, with similar situations who chat about our lives) this summer, you opened with your kids dad Dave, who was your husband. It isn’t the only time. Just when I first noticed it.” Well damn. If I could have felt any worse as a human being in that moment, I don’t know how. “It’s ok, you shouldn’t be guilty, who you are now isn’t who he married”. So very true. I can without a doubt say who I am today, has a level of depth and need worlds different than the 2015 version of me. “Your ready, your just too guilty to admit it to yourself.” Okay, so firstly, why are we friends again? No seriously though, this IS why we’re friends. To kick each other in the ass about things most people wouldn’t even know we need. “Do it in your time Sam, but don’t keep using other people or guilt you shouldn’t have as an excuse not to.” 

The truth in the realization threw me for a loop to say the least. I thought about it, and I’ve paid attention since. When I tell that story now, I DO start with “My kids dad, who WAS my husband”. It’s not a conscious choice of words. But after I say them I’ve come to notice it. It’s a level of disconnection I’m conflicted with every second I think about it. I was happy to be his wife for the rest of forever, if only we had been given that opportunity. I will always be his wife. I am proud of that title, and to have given that part of myself to him. I can’t imagine a minute of any day when I won’t still deeply LOVE him. This next sentence, it’s weird. And hard. And heartbreaking. But true. I am not IN love with him anymore. It wasn’t a decision I made, and didn’t happen abruptly. It makes a lot of sense when you take the names and reactions out of it. How can you actively be in a state of love with a person who you haven’t said a word to in nearly 4 years? You can FEEL love for them. That feelings isn’t an active action though. 

Why would I share this? Partly, because this is a small weird space in my life, that I can randomly dump things I wants and need to get out, without feeling very judged about it. It’s an incredibly odd statement, given the amount of people who still visit this blog when I do post, and who have access to it. But I put it here, and it’s real and it’s honest. I don’t hang onto how other look at that. Additionally, so many people became involved in this journey, prayed for us, invested their feelings in us. I have a sense of obligation to allow them a continued peak into our life from time to time. Lastly, and most importantly, because it’s something someone else not yet where I am, may need to hear. They might not have a friend like mine to say “own your guilt, deal with it, and LIVE”. Really that is what it’s all about. I was given the chance to live this life for another day. Not so I can float through it comfortably, waiting to see what happens after it’s over. To FEEL and challenge myself. I’m here, and I’m not taking advantage. That message transcends the circumstances. You got to wake up today, and hopefully you will again tomorrow, and for so many days after. It’s SO easy to do it and not feel much of anything. To stay in a perpetual state of placid contentment. Being open to feeling things, is hard. It’s scary. It’s intimidating. It’s also not something everyone will get to have another 24 hours to do. I shouldn’t be guilty for allowing myself grace to move into a new season of life if it becomes available to me. I should be guilty about not opening up and taking the chance to do so... this is the pursuit of a well loved life. 

The House In The Middle

The House In The Middle

Samantha Thomas

There sits a row of three houses. 

The one to the right freshly painted, beautiful flowers growing in its window boxes. The sun shines warmly over that house almost everyday. Laughter and music accompany the delicious smells of home cooking, which pour out from within filling the surrounding air. 

The house to the left sits in utter devastation. A massive explosion occurred, every brick used to build the once love filled walls, now lays crumbled; in smoldering ruin. The family that’s left, fishes through the ashes searching for a single fragment of what they formerly had. They are fed with the smallest of scraps, discarded by the house on the right. There is no hope of rebuilding what had previously stood. Although bonded by blood, the true relationships that were had, have all but gone to the wayside. They exist in survival only, without a shred of true love left between them. 

You sit on decaying front porch steps, situated directly in the crux of bliss and chaos. Dying rose bushes line the front, a now pathetic reminder of the majesty that so recently existed here. Everyday another brick tumbles down, a new crack appears in the drywall. The leak in the roof trickles down, injecting toxicity deep within the core. The family living here is worn down. Day after day, seldom a meaningful improvement is seen. Each time you find a fix, 3 new issues arise in their place. You’ve grown distrusting of anyone who offers help with repairs. So many of those that came before, brought only false hope or pure dishonesty. These people are fed, bathed and clothed. Modestly, yet enough to keep them within the social constructs surrounding them. One thing still stands unchanged, the love in this home has never faltered. What previously stood was so pure, not a blemish to be seen; with immense strength. No amount of time will erode that. 

From the home in the middle, you look to the right, a reminder of the days not so long ago... so similar to your own. Every so often a flower in their garden dies, or a cloud passes above. Just as quickly as those things come, the rain briefly falls and then the sky clears; a new flower grows in its place. Having a clear view of this home, the grandness of what your former home once was, spurns hope it may one day be rebuilt. Not in the exact same form or fashion, because as time goes on, life changes; inevitably. The hope of this rebirth shining in the sun, filling the air with goodness, and warming the hearts of those living within.

Turning to the left brings with it guilt. The guilt of having ever fret over the issues your own home faces. Your dwelling may not be crisply painted with lavish gardens, the roof may leak when they rain gets heavy. But your home is strong, it stands and protects you from the storms. When the nights get cold and dark, it keeps you warm and sheltered. You notice the family, unable to find the love that was shared, in what is now a time of despair. Another reminder that when your foundation is shaking and seems moments from collapse, the love inside keeps it stable and standing. It may not be the home you originally built, nor how you planned on living. That doesn’t make it any less yours, or decrease its value. Despite the tougher times, you will protect that home at all costs. You make sure every minute of everyday is spent fixing and rebuilding, no matter the time or energy it takes. Forever grateful being spared this level of destruction.  

I live in that middle house. The walls have been broken a million ways. When the rain is relentless, the roof doesn’t just leak, it washes down the walls wave upon wave soaking through to the floors below. We diligently fix and mend one crack at a time, only to watch the crack splinter in 3 new directions. For a person who is naturally untrusting, letting anyone in to help is exhausting. Seemingly unworthy of the risk; or time. Living with the never ending fear that the foundation is going to fracture, and everything come crashing down. Its the love inside that is so strong, it holds up the beams and walls, even when the nails and screws seem too weak to keep things together.

 I long for the life we had, that I still see so often around us. Then, I look at the world around us, some people we know well, others just know of. Instantly I am profoundly grateful for what we still have. Unendingly privileged to have lived the life we did, for all the years we had. The hope of regaining the life of the past, is admittedly futile. Never the less, it will always be there. Possibly in another time, or iteration, it can be created again. Never like what stood before. Instead in a new and equally enchanting version. The roaring fire built on the love shared, is strong enough to keep us warm for as long as we need. 

After the rain falls...

Some of my most favorite moments are those that happen the second a storm ends.  When it is still dark, and your not quite sure if the storm has passed; or if it's just a lull before the next downpour begins.  That first instant while it's quiet and still, the only sounds come from the drops of rain running off of trees and houses.  You lie in wait for the moment that the sun pops back out from behind the clouds.  That transition can take minutes, hours, sometimes days.  Once everything has finally dried, the world seems so fresh and renewed.  Even if things appear mostly unchanged, it's evident in the subtitles that the world is ever so slightly different then it had been before.  It's these quiet moments of awakening that I find the most clarity.  

It is impossible to remain unchanged after your life has been impacted by some unexpected force.  Even on our best days, when we make our greatest attempt to regain the shreds of the person we had been, in a relatively recent past; we still can't help but to fall short.  The differences may be subtle, and remain mostly hidden... but it's in the quiet moments you see that they are there none the less.  Change doesn't have to be for the worst, even when it was unexpected undesired change.  Independence, self reliance, determination and drive that wasn't there prior, all changes for the better; unsolicited as they might have been.  Finding simplicity... the desire to let things be what they are, to just take in the small moments.  To have the things you need and that matter to you, and let go of anything (or anyone) who doesn't bring you joy.  A simple, joyful life.  

Some of the biggest challenges we face aren't the changes we find within ourselves, instead the changes others see in us.  As unexpected as the catalyst may have been for you, it was likely equally as surprising for those around you.  The version of yourself you have now settled into, may be very different then who the one you had so recently been.  When others seek out an explanation about a new found apathy to certain areas, or interest in others; you can often be left without. The same self reliance that has kept you going, can cripple relationships that were previously a large part of your everyday.  When choosing to find simplicity, and seek out joy... sometimes people we relied on heavily, don't fit the same into our lives as they once did.  Others who played much less of a part in the everyday, become the ones we need most.  It's a nearly impossible balance to find, to keep your life as much the same as it was, but fitting that into a new mold of yourself.  No longer wanting or needing others approval or opinions, while they are still more then eager to place their value on choices you make.  

When you step outside after a storm, the air smelling clean, new, refreshed; breathe deep.  Appreciate the change, no matter how small.  The opportunity for something different.  Even if it was the darkest, fiercest storm you have ever faced; the sun comes out again eventually.  You may not always be able look right out into it, it can be blinding, the reflection before everything has dried and settled.  But it is warm, and promising; something worth taking advantage of.  

A Note to My Littles: I Love the Way You Love... and I Always Will.

My sweet babies, there is something you need to know, that is more important then anything else I may ever tell you... I Love You; regardless of WHO you love.  You are young, and this world has exposed you to much more then even I knew of at your ages.  You've seen Caitlyn Jenner, and we've talked about how her body just didn't seem to fit who she was; so she changed it.  You've seen girls kiss girls, and boys hold hands, both on TV and in real life.  You have been taught that love is love, that it is amazing and beautiful in any shape it takes.  I was one of the lucky ones to find a love that many people only dream about.  I had parents and family who didn't question me at 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, and so on... they let me live, and supported my love of your daddy.  I need you to know, that as long as the love you find treats you in a manner of which you are deserving, I will NEVER question it.  Kamryn and Kendall if your hearts lead you one day, to an amazing girl, and you run off with her half way across the world; I will love her too (as long as you promise to FaceTime me!).  Colton, if you decide that the good looking guy at the gym is more your type then the blonde chic you've been bringing home... I want to meet him!!! My love for you will never depend on what you wear, what name you call yourself, or who you lay next to in bed at night.  Equally important to knowing my love for you has no restriction based on your relationship choices, is knowing that you shouldn't accept anything less from others.  Love is Love is Love is Love.  The color, creed, shape, size, gender, does NOT matter!!! I do NOT want you to surround yourself with people who won't love you because of the way you choose to love others.  You do not, and should not ever need to feel ashamed or scared for who you are in this life, as long as you live in a decent respectful way.  Sadly, for reasons I don't understand, not every one's Mama feels like I do.  You will meet people who want to put a value on you, based on who you choose to love.  To them, their reasoning is valid and sensible.  I want you to respect them, and then ignore them.  You need to understand that living a happy life; isn't contingent upon others.  Someone will always, ALWAYS, disagree with something about the way you choose to live.  Differences make this world what it is, how boring would life be if we all agreed?  Yet, there will be some that take that disagreement too far.  They will wish you harm, and malice.  Those people, sadly, we often can't simply ignore.  Kamryn, you stood puzzled today in the living room, listening to Anderson Cooper tearfully try and read through the list of names and backgrounds, of the Victim's of the shooting at Pulse Nightclub in Orlando.  Then you did something incredible, you asked me why someone wanted to shoot the man who worked at Harry Potter (Luis S. Vielma, 22).  I explained that the shooter was an evil man, he believed it was wrong for men and women to love other men and women, and that many of the people at the club were gay. With an even more confused look on your face, you then very seriously said "well he's an idiot, doesn't he know people just love each other"?  Sweet girl, I so wish that was the case.  Your almost 9 year old wisdom and acceptance gives me SO much hope for the future.  I pray not only for the many victims and their loved ones, but I also pray that there are more girls and boys who grow up knowing that love has no set path.  I want all 3 of you to promise me, that if you find the kind of love I know is possible, you will RUN WITH IT, no matter what form it takes!!!  That kind of love is spectacular, incredible, too often short lived, and you all are so deserving of it.

The watershed....

5 months... it's a blink of an eye. It's an eternity.  I still swear I am living someone else's life. This is the thing you read about happening to some poor person and talk about how awful it is; but sit in your happy bubble knowing it won't be you.  Until it is.  It irrevocably changes you, deep in the most hallowed parts of your soul; in a way you can't begin to describe.  Slowly and painfully you reach places in life, in grief, in healing you never even considered having to consider.  Where do you go? How do you transition? The changes in grief are as sudden, unexpected, unplanned, and almost as heart wrenching as the event itself.  For me, I woke up one day, maybe two weeks ago... and I moved my wedding band from my left hand ring finger to my right. I sobbed like a baby for at least an hour after I did it.  Then I wiped my tears, took a deep breathe, and felt lighter.  I had been having dreams of Dave leaving me.  I then read a LOT about widows having those types of dreams.  It is very common, and usually signals a mental transition.  Some actually think it is a message from the person we lost.  Not that they don't love us, but that they are letting us go; telling us to live.  I am not ready to live in that way, and I hope Dave isn't ready to give me up just yet.  I don't want to be alone forever, but I don't have any sense of need to deliberately alter my current position.  Yet, I felt like looking down at my ring on that finger was so much pressure, suffocating almost.  I will forever be Dave's wife, never did need a ring for that. Aside from being the mommy to our three littles, it is the greatest honor and privilege I have ever been lucky enough to have.  It has become such a burden though.  I have been in stores, had people recognize me, and literally heard them behind me telling someone about me; like I am deaf or dumb.  Since I was 14, practically a baby, I have been "his" in one way or another,  We met and began dating, and then years later we got married; there wasn't any lay period in between.  Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change so much as a second of it. My relationship with Dave defined almost half of my life, just one year shy of it actually.  Dave's accident will now define the rest of it, and not just mine but the kids too.  They will be those kids who's dad died.  Kendall will be that baby who's never had a dad.  I don't want that for them.  I also don't want to find a fill in, I just want him; which is obviously not a choice I get to make.  I want to go to dinner, and have a drink with a friend; and not feel guilty about living.  Looking down and seeing my ring on that finger, and knowing everything that goes along with it; I can't have both.  It's the smallest gestures, that are actually the biggest and most significant.  The judgments that go along with them, are some of the hardest.  I still feel like I have a million eyes on me at all times.  I remember the panic attack I had the first time I went into Acme and someone asked me how I was doing, it was about a week after his accident.  It was as if they had strangled me, or stabbed me in the gut.  This person meant well, they were kind; but I felt so judged and under a microscope.  Now as our lives transition, not just mine but the kids too; I feel that again.  There are friends you want to rediscover after having separated over the years because of nothing more then life, or other people who you crave distance from.  Meals you cook that you never would have before because the other person didn't enjoy them, TV shows you don't have to suffer through.  Everything, everyday, is a transition; some greater then others.  You feel judged in almost every single one of them.  I never imagined 5 months ago I would be where I am today.  I laugh more then I cry, but I feel guilty about it.  I know Dave doesn't want me to feel badly, that learning to live happily is what he wishes for us, but the amount of guilt it brings is what is so overbearing.  That weight and heaviness is why I switched my ring.  Not because I am less in love, or less his. Simply to lighten the load. It was one of the very first times in 9 years that I haven't had a ring on that finger.  I feel naked, vulnerable without it.  Those two feelings irk me, because the comfort I have had for so long is gone.  They are also reasons why I need this small change, because having that ring there, knowing what all goes with it; sometimes I still forget.  Subconsciously wearing my ring as I have for so long, makes me occasionally for a split second; forget.  I will go to call his name for help, or think of texting him.  Those small moments make everything come crashing down.  I don't know how a ring changes that, but it does.  It seems to have fixed me from doing those things, preventing the huge let down I would bring upon myself in a fleeting moment of forgetfulness.  I need a break from that.  In all honesty, I love my ring, and part of not wearing it there hurts, but part of it is so superficial that I am slightly ambivalent.  Simply put, things we add such huge meaning to in life, simply just are't important in death...

The Devil Is In The Details...

I remember and hang onto the most vivid details about Dave, I feel like if I keep the details crisp; he's just that much closer.  The way his teeth were so perfect, yet they were just ever so slightly off center.  Not enough for anyone else to ever notice, but having starred at that smile so many hours of my life, I could spot it a mile away; one of my favorite things about him.  All I ever really wanted to be when I grew up was a mom and a wife.  Sure I talked about being a lawyer or a teacher like most kids, but at the end of the day the only thing I really wanted was a family.  I was so blessed to fill my dreams at a young age.  Sure it made life harder sometimes, but nothing we couldn't face together.  It just mean we would get that many more years together, that much more time with grand babies when we are older, maybe even great grand babies one day.

He had these freckles on his lips, I loved those freckles.  One big freckle on the top of his right ear.  I wanted him to get that one checked since he works in the sun, and it was a new one.  He ignored that request.  His breathe always smelled like he just drank a glass of milk, which was odd since he hated it.  But it didn't smell like that in a bad way, it's sort of hard to explain really.  Dave would do almost anything for a massage, back, neck, hands, feet, legs, face... you name it he was all about it.  Apparently I am pretty good at giving them too, so bribing him was quite easy! The way his skin felt, the calluses on his hands from work, golf, and hockey... The sound his knuckles made when he cracked them.  The little hairs on the tops of his toes that were so blonde, which I always found odd.  His shoulders were strong, and I had a knack for finding the knots in them without him even knowing they were there yet.

I hate dinner time now.  Dave loved it.  I somehow ended up being kind of a badass in the kitchen.  I really don't know how that happened since I was one of the pickiest kids you could ever meet.  But give me a sharp knife a full fridge, and I will knock your socks off!!! Now, I have two kids who would live on pancakes if I let them.  As much as I enjoyed cooking and the food I made, there is no point.  I don't have a big appetite, I eat basically as much as the kids do.  Although I don't share their same love of under seasoned chicken 7 days a week, whats the point of making things all fancy and tasty when I have so many other things I can do with that time? I also haven't gotten the hang of making way smaller portions.  Before I would cook 5 pork chops for dinner.  One for the kids to share, one for me that was my dinner and the other half for lunch the next day. Dave had one for dinner, one for lunch the next day, and some point between those times the last one was his snack! I really don't like leftovers a whole bunch, and I hate seeing food wasted... so dinner time is a shitty struggle to feed 3 people who eat very little.  The way his face felt in my hands when I would rub it.  His scruffly beard he refused to shave for lord knows whatever sporting event.  I LOVED to run my fingers through his hair, giving a tug here or there as I went.  I think that was equally calming to myself, as well as to him.

His laundry always had the same smell, sure it was dirty' but it didn't stink.  Even though he did a dirty, outside, sweaty job... it just smelled like him; but sweatier.  I hated folding his socks, he would never let me throw them away and they always were stretched, discolored or holy.  I can look at the clothes I saved of his and tell you the last place or time I saw him wear almost all of them.  The shoes he wore to our last dinner date at Panico's, the sweatshirt he wore the day before the accident to Applebee's; our last meal together with the kids.  We sat at that table and Kam insisted on a game of "what do you like more" for about 25 minutes! My leftovers he was going to eat sat in our fridge for over a week before I could toss them, because they were for him.  I miss going to eat.  Whether it was to the diner, Panico's, or some new exciting and way too expensive place we would find... Even just enjoying a good meal is hard.  Dave transformed me from the picky kid I was, to a bit of a foodie.  Odd/interesting cuisine isn't barred from our pallets.  My kids however don't have the same appreciation.  Going out to eat with your girlfriends is nice, the same goes with family; but it's not a date.  It's not the same as sitting down to a table with a man, who orders the correct sauvignon blanc without having to ask or bat an eye for you.  Nothing replaces that.

I have never looked into more honest, understand or loving eyes then Dave's.  They were the perfect intricate light/hazel brown color.  Looking in those eyes made everything in the world instantly ok.  One of the very first conversations Dave and I had so many years ago, was him insisting to me that he was "different" then most guys.  It was a great line for a 16 year old to toss out, except when he said it, and I looked into those eyes; I knew it was true.  I never looked back after that.  Everything about him was different.  He knew how to make me happy, feel safe, or let me know I was in trouble, with nothing more then a glance.  We could have an entire conversation without needing to say a word. Once look back and forth and we both knew what the other was saying and thinking.  "A Guy Thing" was the first movie we ever saw together, it sucked.  He had given it to me last year for Valentine's and I keep thinking about watching it again, but watching movies is hard.  We watched a lot of movies together, many of them hold some kind of memory.  I would pick watching a movie with him over almost any date he could come up with.  Movie nights meant a bottle of reisling, sushi he picked up from Momiji, and then we laid on the couch.  I always laid between his legs, on my side snuggled into his chest.  I fit perfectly there.  There isn't a feeling I want back more, then to know what it is like to lay just that way with him.

I've talked to friends, about time passing and the steps you take and things that come.  Feelings you have, questions you ask yourself.  You wonder how much you will remember in 50 years, where life will have taken you.  You want to live the life you and the person were creating, but at the same time now need to carve out a new path for yourself.  You  aren't a "we" anymore.  Having gone from a couple on a dinner date with friends, to a third wheel.. a pity invite.  How deep will the holes left behind get? Will you ever want anyone to try and fill those holes with someone else? If you do will there ever be anyone who even comes close? Who the hell out there would ever want to hear about another man all the time? Will the kids want someone else before I do? What if I find someone and they hate him? It's not like a divorce where you want to forget the person who is gone from your life.  It's the total opposite, your doing everything you can to hold onto every last detail as strongly as you possible.  Is there a person out there who will accept the fact that every birthday, holiday, school event, anniversary, and random memory will make you cry? That no matter what you will always be in love with the one you lost? The one favorite picture of us will forever be on my bed side table as long as I live, that's a lot for someone else to live with too. They are questions only time will be able to answer.  The time we were supposed to have together, for questions that should never have to be asked.

A Thousand Years...

3 months, 1/4 of a year, 91 days, countless moments and memories: that's what you have missed.  I can't comprehend that we have lived this long without you.  I can't believe how much has happened since you left.  I think of you constantly.  I make decisions as if you were still here.  We talk about you ALL of the time.  In some ways your as much a part of our daily life as you were before.  I have shifted from unbearable sadness.  Now there is also bitterness and anger.  I don't want to let those feelings invade our day to day life, or consume the amazing things still happening around me daily.  I am angry for you, for the things you are missing that I know you wanted to be here for.  When Kendall smiles and coos my heart fills with joy and shatters all at the same time.  I will never see her smile at you like that, I will never hear you converse with her in silly baby babble conversations; like I got to enjoy hearing with Kamryn and Colton.  I am so beyond angry for the kids.  Colton has lost his best buddy, the person he looked up to and looked forward to seeing most everyday.  His kindness for me is a testament to the way you raised him, and to the way he saw you treat me all of the time.  He is such a gentleman, and tries to be the "man of the house" as much as he can.  Kamryn's eyes are just so sad.  She smiles and laughs, she feels joy.  But that sparkle those amazing baby blue's have always had; just isn't quite the same.  The bond the two of you had is the hardest for me to explain, but your praise and love ran deep in her, it  helped her feel secure.  Her strength above all is what keeps me in awe; it inspires me.  Everything about Kendall just breaks my heart when I think of you.  She is giggly and fun.  Her smiles light up our day.  If you thought Kamryn had you wrapped around her finger, the two of them together would have been more then any daddy could ever say no to.  How we managed two blue eye'd beauties is beyond me, but I promise the first boy to come knock will have a room full of Kamryn or Kendall's "Uncle's" to contend with!!! It breaks my heart all of the silly everyday things you were excited for and miss: Thursday date nights at Oyster Bay, the Entourage movie, opening and enjoying one of your bottles of dogfish 120...

As sad as I am, I can smile through the tears some of the time now.  I know it only hurts this badly because our love was so pure and strong.  We had the kind of love people dream of and wish for.  Everyday is a challenge because we were so entangled and involved in every aspect of our lives.  This makes me so grateful.  It also helps that I still feel so incredibly connected to you.  I am blessed to feel your presence in a room, or to hear a song come on at a very timely moment and know it's a message for me from you.  I think of you and the way you lived your life, your spirit and outlook; that is what is hardest for me to accept is gone.  How a man who so enjoyed just simply living, is the man God chose to take from this life. A good man willing to work hard and love harder, who really wanted nothing more then to enjoy the most simplest and purest of moments; filled with joy, laughter, and the ones he loved.  I hate things that don' make sense.  I am too analytic to handle things i can't dissect and fit into a nice neat little box.  I was so unprepared to face this journey without you to travel along with me.  I am so thankful that we surrounded ourselves with such incredible people, in a wonderful community, where I am never truly alone.  I smell something or see something that immediately brings a specific memory to light, and many times now I can smile rather then be brought to instant tears.  I cry, every single day I cry.  I am so happy that our memories makes me smile now too and not just crumble.  I am so nervous to face upcoming events: recital for Kam, pre-school celebration for Colton, mine and Kamryn's birthday's.  I really can't imagine having a "birthday" without you. As much as I LOVE the fireworks I get for my birthday, I haven't enjoyed them without you since I was 14... 12 birthdays you've indulged me and "my" birthday week and "my" fireworks.  I love to celebrate it... WITH YOU. You were making fun of me for reaching my late 20s this year (27), because like I tell you: "late 20's is basically 30, and once your 30; your all washed up".  As much as I don't want to think about being older, I will never take a birthday for granted again.

The strongest feeling I have for you, other then pure love; is gratitude.  I am so grateful, that I was  lucky enough to be loved by you.  I am grateful for the amazing example you were to Colton of what a man should be.  That it's ok to have fun and enjoy yourself, but that hard work and family come first.  I am grateful for the 3 amazing babies you blessed me with before you left.  As hard as it is to imagine the rest of my life without you, I can't fathom a day without each of them. I am grateful for the amazing memories you left us with, that we can treasure and share with Kendall. I am grateful for the example you have given Kamryn, of what a man should be; and how she should expect to be treated by one.  I am grateful for how hard you worked for us, so that I am in a position to spend each and everyday watching these babies grow, without the burden or fear of a bad financial situation; that many others in my place deal with.  I am thankful to have known you and learned so much from you about enjoying life.  I am thankful for the friends I gained through you, knowing that I have some extraordinary people in our life helps me each day.  I am grateful that I get to spend each day of the rest of forever loving you, and looking forward to a day when I will see you again.  I just hope in the time between that I can make you proud.  That I can be for them, everything they need and everything you knew I could be.  Everything about you so profoundly shaped who I am today.  My strength comes directly from the belief you always had in me, it is one of the greatest gifts you've given me.  No matter how old we would have grown together, there would never have been enough days for the kind of love we share.