3 months, 1/4 of a year, 91 days, countless moments and memories: that's what you have missed. I can't comprehend that we have lived this long without you. I can't believe how much has happened since you left. I think of you constantly. I make decisions as if you were still here. We talk about you ALL of the time. In some ways your as much a part of our daily life as you were before. I have shifted from unbearable sadness. Now there is also bitterness and anger. I don't want to let those feelings invade our day to day life, or consume the amazing things still happening around me daily. I am angry for you, for the things you are missing that I know you wanted to be here for. When Kendall smiles and coos my heart fills with joy and shatters all at the same time. I will never see her smile at you like that, I will never hear you converse with her in silly baby babble conversations; like I got to enjoy hearing with Kamryn and Colton. I am so beyond angry for the kids. Colton has lost his best buddy, the person he looked up to and looked forward to seeing most everyday. His kindness for me is a testament to the way you raised him, and to the way he saw you treat me all of the time. He is such a gentleman, and tries to be the "man of the house" as much as he can. Kamryn's eyes are just so sad. She smiles and laughs, she feels joy. But that sparkle those amazing baby blue's have always had; just isn't quite the same. The bond the two of you had is the hardest for me to explain, but your praise and love ran deep in her, it helped her feel secure. Her strength above all is what keeps me in awe; it inspires me. Everything about Kendall just breaks my heart when I think of you. She is giggly and fun. Her smiles light up our day. If you thought Kamryn had you wrapped around her finger, the two of them together would have been more then any daddy could ever say no to. How we managed two blue eye'd beauties is beyond me, but I promise the first boy to come knock will have a room full of Kamryn or Kendall's "Uncle's" to contend with!!! It breaks my heart all of the silly everyday things you were excited for and miss: Thursday date nights at Oyster Bay, the Entourage movie, opening and enjoying one of your bottles of dogfish 120...
As sad as I am, I can smile through the tears some of the time now. I know it only hurts this badly because our love was so pure and strong. We had the kind of love people dream of and wish for. Everyday is a challenge because we were so entangled and involved in every aspect of our lives. This makes me so grateful. It also helps that I still feel so incredibly connected to you. I am blessed to feel your presence in a room, or to hear a song come on at a very timely moment and know it's a message for me from you. I think of you and the way you lived your life, your spirit and outlook; that is what is hardest for me to accept is gone. How a man who so enjoyed just simply living, is the man God chose to take from this life. A good man willing to work hard and love harder, who really wanted nothing more then to enjoy the most simplest and purest of moments; filled with joy, laughter, and the ones he loved. I hate things that don' make sense. I am too analytic to handle things i can't dissect and fit into a nice neat little box. I was so unprepared to face this journey without you to travel along with me. I am so thankful that we surrounded ourselves with such incredible people, in a wonderful community, where I am never truly alone. I smell something or see something that immediately brings a specific memory to light, and many times now I can smile rather then be brought to instant tears. I cry, every single day I cry. I am so happy that our memories makes me smile now too and not just crumble. I am so nervous to face upcoming events: recital for Kam, pre-school celebration for Colton, mine and Kamryn's birthday's. I really can't imagine having a "birthday" without you. As much as I LOVE the fireworks I get for my birthday, I haven't enjoyed them without you since I was 14... 12 birthdays you've indulged me and "my" birthday week and "my" fireworks. I love to celebrate it... WITH YOU. You were making fun of me for reaching my late 20s this year (27), because like I tell you: "late 20's is basically 30, and once your 30; your all washed up". As much as I don't want to think about being older, I will never take a birthday for granted again.
The strongest feeling I have for you, other then pure love; is gratitude. I am so grateful, that I was lucky enough to be loved by you. I am grateful for the amazing example you were to Colton of what a man should be. That it's ok to have fun and enjoy yourself, but that hard work and family come first. I am grateful for the 3 amazing babies you blessed me with before you left. As hard as it is to imagine the rest of my life without you, I can't fathom a day without each of them. I am grateful for the amazing memories you left us with, that we can treasure and share with Kendall. I am grateful for the example you have given Kamryn, of what a man should be; and how she should expect to be treated by one. I am grateful for how hard you worked for us, so that I am in a position to spend each and everyday watching these babies grow, without the burden or fear of a bad financial situation; that many others in my place deal with. I am thankful to have known you and learned so much from you about enjoying life. I am thankful for the friends I gained through you, knowing that I have some extraordinary people in our life helps me each day. I am grateful that I get to spend each day of the rest of forever loving you, and looking forward to a day when I will see you again. I just hope in the time between that I can make you proud. That I can be for them, everything they need and everything you knew I could be. Everything about you so profoundly shaped who I am today. My strength comes directly from the belief you always had in me, it is one of the greatest gifts you've given me. No matter how old we would have grown together, there would never have been enough days for the kind of love we share.
